Broken, but not beaten

“Nothing in my life has ever broken my heart the way running has. And yet, I cannot breathe without it.” - Kara Goucher

Ever since throwing down my first PB since 2015 at Chilly Half a month ago – something wasn’t right. I gave it a week of rest, then tried again. I really wanted to think with a little bit of rest, the kinks would work themselves out. My last run on March 21st, my coach stopped my workout. I was clearly limping. With that, I burst into tears. So much frustration had built up. After the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Half Marathon in October last year, my goal was to get strong, build a solid base and stay healthy (see my 2017 Goals post). I was diversifying my workouts with cross training and strength training. I was eating well. I thought I was doing it all right. I was getting stronger and faster. Till I wasn’t.

Yesterday, after 2 weeks off running – I got the results of my bone scan. Two bone stress fractures. One in each tibia. I had convinced myself this wasn’t going to be the case. So finding out I had not one, but two was even harder to digest. Two for the price of one. Well, I've always liked a good deal. Now facing at least eight weeks of no running, and no impact is daunting. The build back will have to be slow.

Closing the door behind me in my apartment, I broke down into a sobbing mess. All my hard work, all my plans over the next few months were just gone. More than that, running is one of the most important relationships in my life. It’s my therapy; my social time; my solace; my challenge; my relaxation; my way to discover new places; enjoy nature …. It interweaves with everything I do, and impacts my decision making process daily. To take that away leaves such a gaping hole in my day to day, I’m almost not sure where to start. So, I allowed myself the day. The day to wallow, to feel sorry for myself, to be angry at myself, to cry and just be upset. But only a day.

Here I sit now that that day is over, trying to make a plan. Change the plan, but never the goal. The goal is still an ultra. Whether Mount Hood is still a possibility, only time will tell. All I can do now, is take my efforts and focus it into cross and strength training.

Broken. But not beaten. Let's get this done.

PS. Coming back from Utah, a suitcase fell on my foot. My doctor also thinks my toe might be fractured. Just the universe ensuring I really don't run? *sigh*