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Saying Goodbye to the Marathon

On October 7th, 2018, I stood in a crowd of people waiting to start the Chicago Marathon. The nerves and anxiety I had felt in the days leading up to this race were gone. I only felt relief. I knew that in a few short hours, I could say ‘goodbye’ to the marathon. As a distance that had ruled my life over the last few years, I felt content to say ‘goodbye.’ It’s amazing what 42.2KM can change. Because in a few short hours later, after I had finished - that feeling of relief had changed to sadness and optimism. Crossing a finish line can do that. It can change your mind, and it can change your perspective. Maybe I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to this beast. I crossed completely satisfied with my race, but also convinced that I had it in me to do better.

Each marathon I have ran has not only been very different, but has been a very different experience. In Chicago I was lucky enough to run the first 13 miles alongside Erin, and celebrate with her at the finish (and a few surprise KMs with Mei). The second half of the race, I was able to flex the mental fortitude that I had been working on going through my longest training runs alone. I was able to talk myself through the pain, knowing it was temporary. Repeat: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. I continued to push harder through the second half of the race, because when I crossed that finish line, I wanted to know that I had done all that I could on that day. I wanted to walk away satisfied. When I crossed I was satisfied (and for those who witnessed that horrible finish line video - and hopefully got a laugh - also in pain). I kept myself in check, but had to take a minute to gather myself when I watched a woman sobbing receiving her medal. Soaking wet and shivering, I was handed not one, but TWO Goose Island finishing beers (I *may* have proposed to both the man and woman that gave those to me - but I realize now, it’s probably not going to work out). My happiness was compounded by finally turning on my phone and being bombarded by messages. My heart truly swelled with love and appreciation for all of my friends and family who followed me - and the realization that I was never alone for one step of that race.

At the end of the day, the marathon is not just about the 42.2KM you cover that day. It’s about the hundreds and hundreds of KMs you cover leading up to that one day. It’s about the people in your life who cheer for you. It’s about the early mornings you drag yourself out of bed to put in the work. The friends who reroute their run to share a few KMs with you, and the friends who slow their pace to run alongside you - touch the wall, and talk about pre-race analities and rituals. It’s the surprise screams in the shower when water hits that unknown chafe on your back. It’s about taking the ramp instead of the stairs accompanied by the afternoon daze as a result of ‘long run brain’. The marathon is so much more than just 42.2KM.

It took a few days to get over the afterglow of the marathon, and back to realizing it’s time to say ‘no.’ Deciding to say ‘no’ means I can say ‘yes’ to other things that are important in my life. I can say yes to balance and finding an equilibrium. I need time to correct imbalances in my body that cause me pain, get stronger, and overall become a stronger runner. I have never stopped loving running - even when I was angry with it. But I really need to take the time to find my love again. It means new goals other than 42.2 - and realizing that that is OK.

2018 has been a year of ups and downs in my running life. It’s been tears, and xrays and doctor appointments. But it’s also seen new levels of dedication, love and support. It’s been a year where I have achieved personal best times (PBs) at the 5KM, half marathon and marathon distances. I know this is in no small thanks to love and dedication Michelle has shown me as my coach over the last year. She set the standards and expectations high - and believed in me even when I thought I couldn’t achieve them.

So it is with some sadness today that for now I say, goodbye to 42.2KM … and thank-you.


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