The Hard Lessons of 2017
2017 was not the year I wanted it to be. I started the year off with lofty goals and looking back at what actually happened is like a sucker punch to the gut (hey, 3 out of 9 ain’t bad right? Oh, wait). 2017 hurt in the most unexpected ways. It was the eyeopener I did not expect, and with it came a lot of hard lessons.
I got injured (March 2017): Like most runners, I was used to the regular aches and pains, but as I limped away from my PB finish at the Chilly Half Marathon, I knew something was really wrong. I’d dealt with similar issues before, but now I know I had never been properly diagnosed. My dreams of having an amazing running year diminished quickly with my diagnosis of not one, but two stress fractures. But, the ‘diminished dreams’ mentality was all on me.
I spiraled. No, I really spiraled. I tried to stay positive and on track but I was really flying by the seat of my pants. As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months away from the road, things deteriorated.
I gave up. I gave up on the process. I lost sight of the end goal. And I’m not just talking about the 50K. That’s what I THOUGHT it was. But it wasn’t. I lost sight of what the end goal actually is. The end goal is and should always be - a better, happier, healthier, stronger me. All I could see was what was immediately ahead of me. All I could see was the “I can’ts” - I can’t run the Pittsburgh Marathon. I can’t run Sulphur Springs. I can’t do my long run. I can’t go to RunTOBeer. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. Only looking at what was immediately "being taken away from me", the daily cross training grind lost its value. It dwindled down until it stopped altogether.
I began to hate my body. And the extent to which this happened - has not happened in quite some time. When I began running in 2008 it was the first time in my life I actually began to appreciate my body, rather than constantly criticize it. I was amazed to learn my body was capable of accomplishing difficult feats of endurance that I never thought possible. Was it the ideal body I’d been told by society I needed my whole life - no. But I learned I was strong. I learned that I knew how to sit with discomfort and to persevere. But now I was facing a different kind of discomfort. I was angry that my injuries were seemingly stopping me from what I wanted to accomplish, what I had put so much of my time and focus on. My body was, once again, letting me down. So instead of accepting it and showing myself, and my broken body some love - I chose the easier and perhaps more familiar path - I abused it. I berated myself and found myself falling back into a dark place. With that, pain I had buried along with my PTSD symptoms began to reappear in full force turning into a downward spiral of self destructive behaviour. I forsook my health. Now some of you may be sitting there thinking “All this from just an injury?” The answer is: Yes. All. This. My mental health had become so intertwined with my running that I found myself totally lost and vulnerable without it, and negativity began to permeate every different aspect of my life.
I pulled a 50K out of my ass (like for reals). AND THERE WAS NO REASON FOR IT. I don’t mean there was no reason to do the race - there was plenty of reasons to do the race. I flew across the continent. I paid for it. I wanted to see the mountain. Oh, and it was my dream. But, there was absolutely no excuse to pull it out of my ass. I know this now. I should have known this then. But I didn’t. I was off running for 10 weeks with a very slow build back - and my “cross training” was weak AF. Had I adequately attempted to stay in shape with vigorous cross training during this time it would not have been such a stretch. But I didn’t know what I was doing. Spin. OK. Pool Run. OK. Strength train. OK. I made a “schedule” - but I was lost. It was not structured enough. So eventually I just didn’t. I began to lose my focus until I could no longer equate what I was doing to the end goal of the 50K. I no longer believed 50K was possible - but it was. And I could have done better had I stuck with it.
I got my feet back under me. But I was flaky. I was running again. But I wasn’t fully committed. Summer temperatures were soaring and I had no immediate goal in mind. So, I dabbled around and didn’t run consistently. Which probably resulted in the next point.
I got injured again (November 2017): After what was meant to be an easy 10K run at the beginning of November, I knew it was time to pack it in. I’d been putting it off for several weeks as I attempted to wrap my head around facing another injury. The aches and pains I was experiencing this time, although not as bad, were really hampering my enjoyment of running. I knew I had to once again take some time off running. But this time, I decided enough was enough. I would not fall apart like I had done before. I could not. So, along with some tough love, a proper cross training plan was hatched by Michelle.
Where I am now: I am running again. But this time it’s different. I took 6 weeks off running, but not training. My outlook has changed, and I knew it had to. I’m training with intention, purpose and goals. That is what is getting me up in the morning. Do I have bad days? Absolutely. But I am far more focused than I have been in quite some time.
What I learned from 2017:
Everyone is going to have an opinion on “how you got injured” … smile, nod, and just listen to your health practitioners.
There’s always going to be people who don’t want you to succeed, and who will be bitter when you do. Those aren’t your people.
Support your friends whether you can run or not. It’s not all about you - so just swallow it, and show the fuck up. You’ll always be glad you did - because their joy can be yours too. It should be.
I need structure. I need a plan. A plan with intention. In black and white. I need someone to tell me what to do. Every. Single. Day. And I’m lucky to have a badass friend who will spend 4 hours on a Friday night at the gym with me to figure out just what that looks like for me. (OK -so that was 2 hours working out, 2 hours talking big ideas and gossiping).
Cross train. Cross train. Cross train. Stretch. Roll. Recover.
I need multiple goals while always keeping the ultimate end goal in mind - a better, happier, healthier, stronger me and a long running career.
I'm not done with the 50KM distance.
“Honour your body: don’t talk shit about it.” - Lauren Fleshman.
Be kind to yourself.
Looking Ahead
I don’t know what is going to happen in 2018. But I know my focus has shifted for the better. While there are so many things I desperately WANT to do, I need to keep myself in check. Getting back to running some solid distances strong and healthy is the goal. Chicago is the big goal and it has taken A LOT of restraint on my part to keep it as the only big goal for next year as I dream of trails far off in the mountains. But hey, let’s wait and see. Many non-race adventures can still be had.
2018 intentions: Be stable. Be strong. Be consistent. Be fucking bold.
