That's the thing ....

Last year I listened to a podcast by Rich Roll - his guest talked about resilience, and what the guest said has been rolling around in my head ever since: “Optimism is at the centre of mental toughness. To have the mental discipline to be able to stay the course when the shit is not going right. That’s the thing right there.”

I copied this down over a year ago - because I knew how true it was. And I knew that this is really what I am lacking. Not in a race. When I am in a race - when I have been in the middle of a marathon, or my 50K, or any race where I am suffering - I know. I KNOW I am going to rally and get through it. No matter how bad, how dark my mind goes or how shitty I feel. In those circumstances I have the mental discipline to stay the course - even when it feels hard, when it feels impossible. When I’m in the thick of it, I got it. I proved it to myself in Oregon. I proved it to myself in Chicago.

My issues come in that in between period. It’s when it’s not immediate. When that shit is going off course in training. Don't get me wrong, there are days I feel like shit in training. That’s standard. Last year leading up to Chicago - some of my solo long runs tested me more than anything I have ever faced before. I ran 26KM to Scarborough on one of the hottest days we had last summer. I thought I might never get there. I got through. I knew I had to. But that’s also not what I am worried about.

When my mental toughness, when my resilience wavers is when something out of the ordinary happens. This year, I was laser focused on the Pittsburgh Half Marathon. With one little tweak, all of a sudden, things weren’t working. I couldn’t run properly. I felt like my body betrayed me.

I put in the work. All those early morning runs. All those gym sessions. All those 530AM alarms. Gone. It’s not like I haven’t been here before. I’ve been here more times than I could imagine. Basically, I should have the crown in starting over. It’s not my running training. My training is really well dialed in. It’s the strength training that I try so damn hard to incorporate. I get so irritated when well meaning people say “Well, have you not been doing this …. You should be doing this …. This is a must…” I KNOW. I do as much as I feel capable of doing. It’s generally a hell of a lot. 4-5 runs a week, plus multiple gym sessions. My body sometimes just doesn't want it. I’ll be the first to tell you - I’m not educated on functional movement. I can tell what’s weak by other muscles screaming. But I am legit not engaged nor smart enough to know what to do about it. Often when these things happen and I engage the advice of my coach or a professional, but it’s too late. I’m frustrated - with myself. It’s really hard not understanding your body and your muscles. It’s not that I don’t want to - but it’s just not something that I understand.

I have a proximal rectus femoris strain. For all of us normal people that don’t know what that means - it’s basically, an upper quad strain. All I know is that it has been extremely painful, and I can feel how deep it is.

“To have the mental discipline to be able to stay the course when the shit is not going right.” … That legitimately is the thing, right there. That is the thing I don’t do well. I know this about myself. I don’t want to be the person that crumbles. But I always crumble. This went wrong, and this is my pattern. I went “fuck it.” I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be the person that gives up. I’m not a quitter. But, these days it feels that more often than not, I am. It fucking sucks. And for some reason I am the person that takes the shit, grabs it, tuck and rolls with it. I question this about myself all the time. Is it because it happens over and over that I have just accepted it?

Don’t think I don’t beat myself up every day. I most definitely do. How do I change these destructive patterns? How do I stop sabotaging myself at each roadblock? I’m tired of doing it to myself.

It's mostly mental and I know that generally it’s not just one thing that sidelines me. It’s usually multiple issue that come in all at once. It can be relationships that unexpectedly go astray, core friendships that fizzle out, careers that change without warning. I’m not a person that lets go of things easily - as much as I wish I was - I’m not. I have difficulty dealing with multiple issues at the same time.

I wonder how many people I know deal with the same thing that I am. I am constantly overcome with self doubt. It can be debilitating. As a result of so many issues, at the end of the day I self sabotage, because it feels like an out.

The best thing I know about myself is that I won’t stay in this hole for too long. I get in there, make it cozy, and camp out. But there will be a day where I smack myself and tell myself to get up. At least I still have that. So maybe for me, that’s the thing. I hope that every time it happens I get better at it. Right now, I’m shit at it. But, eventually, I’ll stand up. Maybe that’s the thing. Standing up, when it feels right.